the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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