I could make wine with my vomit
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
