i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
