So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
