My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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