babies were throwing up all over the place
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
