you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
