the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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