you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
