when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
