dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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