But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
