i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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