someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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