Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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