if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
and you fell through a lawn chair
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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