walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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