I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
