So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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