Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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