I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
false alarm, still single
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