i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
