Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
