shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
