Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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