I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
