If that was your dad, he is hot
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
