Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Couch. On fire.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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