good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
is that a dick in a sweater?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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