and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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