i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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