the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
