my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's always time for handjobs
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
