Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
