Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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