Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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