The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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