how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Randomize
