white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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