I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
