Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
