Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
