the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
