Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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