she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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