pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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