Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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