good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
