I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We just shotgunned beers for America
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
