drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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