I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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