I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize