the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
