I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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