He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
