if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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