i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
