my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
