If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
