party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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