i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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