OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
