I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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