that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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