She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
