i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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