There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
