Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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