I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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