i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
