Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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