I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize